


In lucidity he was complete

by PinkSparkleSoup



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Cannibalism, Gore, Mental Instability, Other, Requited Love, Starvation, Vomiting, emotional breakdowns, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 06:51:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5038099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkSparkleSoup/pseuds/PinkSparkleSoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a split moment it was as if nothing else in the world mattered but them. But moments like this never last forever, and sometimes they aren't even real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In lucidity he was complete

**Author's Note:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧  
> be warned this has some serious trigger warnings of gore, cannibalism, death and vomiting.  
> please stay safe my lovelies

Daylight was quickly running out by the time Urie returned form another intense workout session at the CCG, every time he pushed himself harder and harder and he would return home more and more tired. The others were getting concerned _only because I will weigh them down in the end_.

 

He walked into the kitchen, Mutsuki stood there, slouched against the counter with a mug of coffee in his hand and something boiling on the stove. His back was to the dark haired boy, he didn't even turn to greet him, but he _knew_ he was aware of his presence. 

 

Urie just glared at his back and left, things between him and his squad have been… tense, to say the least. No one really talked to him much any more, he would wake up, leave, push himself to the point of breaking, come home, and go back to sleep. It was a cycle he never really asked for, but he _needed_ to be stronger for his own sake.

 

In his room the chill set in, it was always dark and cold, he never let light into the room anymore because the bright colors just made him feel sick, just like everything else in his life. Urie felt his stomach cramp momentarily, sick, its sick, _im sick._ He ignored the growing hunger pains like every other night and put himself to bed with the aid of a handful of random pills he ‘borrowed’ from Sasaki’s usually locked medicine cabinet.

 

Sometimes he wishes they would make him sleep forever. But hey never do.

 

—-

 

The cycle goes on and on, Urie cant remember the last time someone actually spoke to him, _who was the last person? Saiko, Shirazu… no, Mutsuki. “you’re getting thinner, are you sure you're eating alright?”._ He didn't answer when he was asked, he didn't want the anxious man to worry. He didn't want to be talked to at the time.

 

_stop pushing everyone away_

 

In the dark silence of his bedroom he could hear the angry growling of his stomach, maybe Mutsuki heard it before and thats why he asked. _cant drag them down, cant drag them down, cant drag_ him _down. need to be stronger._ He couldn't pass the hunger pains with sleep tonight, whatever he took just made him feel nauseated, the walls were spinning, he felt hot and clammy, his skin was itching _there are parasites inside of me, parasites inside, im a parasite, i need to get out, get them out get them out get themoutgetthemout._

 

He hadn't noticed he had clawed the skin off his forearm until a dark wet patch soaked into the blanket, at least it didn't itch anymore, but it didn't look like it was going to heal any time soon. If anyone noticed the scent of blood in his room they probably didn't care enough to check him out. 

 

Uries stomach growled again.

 

—-

 

“you look pale”, there was a meek voice that muttered from across the table. “Its my skin” was his sharp response. He heard Mutsuki sigh, he was toying with a rubber band on the table, twining it around his fingers till the blood stopped flowing and unraveling them again. 

 

“You’ve been training too much recently…” _stating the obvious._

 

“I need to get stronger”

 

“Youre _already_ strong enough, just stop it!”

 

“I wont be a burden to the squad if thats whats worrying you”

 

“Im worried about _you,_ Urie, not the squad. You're hurting yourself”

 

_don’t act like you care._ Urie paced in the kitchen, forgetting what he was going in there in the first place, oh, he was hungry, out of habit he made his way into the kitchen. There was nothing for him here, nothing but the bored green haired boy who insists on talking with him about something he _really really really really doesn't want to talk about_.

 

He inhaled deeply and gritted his teeth. “Im _fine_ ”

 

“If you were fine you would look better! if you were _fine_ you wouldn't be throwing up as often as you do, I hear you all the time! I just want to help you!”

 

“ _Don’t you fucking_ ** _dare_** act as if you understand whats happening! you can hardly help yourself!” For the first time Urie had actually raised his voice at Mutsuki, the smaller boy recoiled but still held the same firm expression of determination. 

 

Urie bit his lip, he wanted to scream at him, he wanted to hit things, smash porcelain, rip out the walls, bend metal, yell till his throat bled, anything to get rid of the building pressure of misdirected anger. There was a chip on the inside of his jaw, a tooth snapped. _too much pressure, too hard, stop, too much pressure._ He coughed, the chip came out and clacked against the floor. Mutsuki didn't notice.

 

“If you would just let me in i could-” “ ** _STOP THIS_** ” _too loud too loud, stop, too much pressure, too much loud, stop this. stop._ There was a call from upstairs, Shirazu had heard him, the look on Mutsuki’s face was defeated and almost sad. he didn't care _yes I do, I do care._

 

Before he could do any more damage he left, watching through the crack in his door as Shirazu walked out and into the kitchen himself to check on Mutsuki. He heard sobbing.

 

Urie swallowed more than a handful of pills, more like two… and a half.

 

Within an hour he was in the locked bathroom emptying his stomach.

 

—-

 

His Kakugan and kagune were becoming more than he can control, and his shoulders itched, god did they itch. Like a thousands of small ants were crawling over him and biting all the flesh they could touch. He just scratched, and scratched, he wore a hole through a finger of his glove with blunt nails. It still itched _so much_. 

 

Urie took off his gloves, ripped, they were dropped to the floor and he sank his fingers into his flesh, the bite of his skin giving way was refreshing in contrast to the bugging _itch._ His fingertips grazed the deep welts of his kagune, it twitched, writhed beneath his hands.

 

It cut the pads of his fingers. _sharp_. He tore his shirt over his head so the clothes wont get in the way, he _needed_ to _scratch this fucking itch._ There was blood pooling down his back, trickling down his spine and down the back of his pants, he barely felt it. The pain blooming through his shoulder was almost pleasant, it was so human to feel pain, so grounding, he was alright so long as he could feel pain, he was still human.

 

There were footsteps outside his door, light, Mutsuki, he just passed by, continuing down the hall. He felt his heart thudding for a moment before his fingers twitched, something dripped down his arm, hotter than blood. 

 

The steps were back, _no no don’t come in don’t look at me, you cant smell it, you cant find me._ The boy stopped in front of the door, the light that slid under was broken by his feet, but was eclipsed as he slid down and sat right outside it. 

 

“are you okay?”

 

Came the quiet voice on the other side of the wood. He wanted to say no. he also wanted to say yes. _This isn't okay, but i feel okay. is it okay?_ “Yes I’m okay”. There was a sigh. The dripping down Urie’s arm slowed down as it dipped down the inside of his wrist, he lifted it to look. It was a glistening black liquid with the consistency of molasses, he could only assume he had ripped into his Kakuhou and it was bleeding his RC cells, but RC cells are supposed to be red.

 

He didn't think too much on it.

 

“… do… do you think you can come out? or can I come in?”

 

“You wouldn't want to”

 

“I can smell it”

 

Urie took a shuddered breath. He wasn't prepared for this, why did Mutsuki have to care? no one else would have come to him, just Mutsuki. He dragged himself to the door, very sure there was a trail of his mixed blood and Rc cells coming along the varnished floorboards. He was surprised his arm, with such a destroyed shoulder, could support his weight. _you are always so weak, just give up, let your arm give out, its expected of you._

 

Urie pressed himself against the other side of the door, his blood slick against the wood. He wouldn't worry, it was going to heal soon, he hoped. He didn't have the strength or enough worry in him to move and he was sure his blood was starting to pool beneath them.

 

“Urie!? I-Is this?”

 

“Don’t say it”

 

“Urie please let me in! I can help, please! please!” 

 

He reached his other arm up and tugged at the doorknob. The door gave way inwards, pushing Urie forwards slightly as Mutsuki fell in. His shirt was smeared in blood, a corner that looked like black ink had soaked through the fabric. The boy scrambled on his hands and knees to get to the other side and draped his arms around him.

 

Mutsuki released a sob, all Urie wanted was to kick the door closed but with the weight of the other on top of him all he could do is lay against his throbbing shoulder. _why is he even crying, what a waste of tears, for a waste of life, all i ever do is hurt people, you hurt people, you monster, why is he crying, why am i crying, why are you crying._

 

And he was, they both were, seeing mutsuki covered in blood was one thing but his own made his throat tighten in ways the never wanted to experience again, it was as if he himself made Mutsuki bleed. He would never want that, Mutsuki was gentle and kind, Mutsuki was a docile spirit, a calming presence that had him sedated.

 

The itching long forgotten, Urie’s shaking arms wrapped around the smaller body, they both trembled with tight sobs they didn't dare let slip for others to hear. Urie pressed his face into the body above him, breathing him in. It felt like the embrace of a mother, though the arms were tight it felt like a caress, full of love he didn't deserve but oh what he craved.

 

“Im sorry, Urie I’m so so sorry! I had no idea! none of us did”

 

“I don’t know whats wrong”

 

“we can get you help, Look at me, please! Urie we need to get you help…”

 

“n-no! no please don’t, don’t let them know, they cant know!”

 

Urie felt only Paranoia, _they think Im weak, they can think it, but if they know, if they know, they wont, i refuse to let them find out._ _they're out to get me, all of them, they hate me, Im weak, so fucking weak._ Mutsuki brought his hands up to smooth into Urie’s hair.

 

“I don’t want you doing these things, You're bleeding so much.. Oh my god, oh god Urie”

 

_stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stopitstop stop stop it stop stopstopstop._

 

_“_ Why wont you look at me, Urie please I’m so scared”

 

_don’t look at me, don’t fucking look at me, i can't look you in the eyes any more._

 

Hands were on his face, soft, they burned, they were gentle, they were Mutsuki, he lifted the others face till their eyes met. Mutsuki’s brows were furrowed in worry, they were rimmed with puffy red skin and tears slid down his dark face. There was a smudge of blood that trailed up his neck and onto his jaw.

 

“Your eyes… oh my god Urie, whats happened to you? what did they do to you?!”

 

_whats wrong with me, my eyes, i cant see, i cant see them, whats wrong, theres something wrong with me._ Urie’s gaze wavered, he didn't want to see the shock and pain in the others eyes, there was nothing wrong with him, absolutely nothing. 

 

“Im okay”

 

Urie spoke, his voice sounded strange, it sounded thick, broken up by stubborn muscles and vicious fluid wedged in his throat. It was foreign to him, to be heard after crying, he didn't like it. 

 

“Youre not okay Urie”

 

“Im… Okay”

 

“Urie stop!”

 

“I will be okay, don't tell them. I will get better”

 

“Is that a promise? please, Urie, promise me, let me help you I just… I cant… this is too much for one person to handle”

 

“I will get better”

 

_Broken record, you're a broken record, its not okay, you're not okay, you're broken._

 

Mutsuki patched Urie’s wound, his sniffles still echoing in the room, but no other words shared. The boy was tired, they both were tired, and Mutsuki was hesitant to leave the other alone in his bedroom again. He _needed_ to tell someone, it was so fucked up, it was beyond fucked up. Urie needed Medical and psychological help.

 

He still remembered those twin blazing eyes against a sea of black, those veins that spread much too far across his face for a normal Ghoul, no, he wasn't a ghoul, he was a sad sick boy who needed someone to save him. It was selfish of him to want to be the one to save Urie, it was driven by his own desires but he couldn't bare to see him suffer.

 

After all, he loved him.

 

—-

 

Uries stomach growled, it was aching through his whole being, he was nauseated, no matter how much he threw up his body wouldn't settle, He knew eating human food would just come up again, it had been for the past eight weeks, but his hunger pains were growing so intense he was left with nothing more to do.

 

With another heave he tasted stomach acid, it made a tingle settle at the back of his throat but for now he was sure it was over. He flushed the toilet and stood, there was no mess, he was getting good at this, or was he getting used to it? He didn't stay with those thoughts.

 

He also didn't look in the mirror. He already knew what he would see, what he always saw. Those eyes glaring at him, the eyes of a _Ghoul_. Mutsuki was with him, his gentle hand on his shoulder, and that look in his eyes again, the look of worry, pity, as if Urie was going to die instead of slowly starve.

 

“Urie, have a drink of water at least, we can get something for you to eat from the CCG”

 

“they can’t know whats happening”

 

“They wont, I can say I’m just picking it up for Sasaki”

 

“I am _not_ like him, I wont do it”

 

“I;m not saying you are, we just need to get you… meat that will stay down”

 

“you mean _human?_ ”

 

The look of anger and accusation on his face made Mutsuki take a step back, _how dare he say that, I am not a ghoul. I am human. I will not eat another fucking human. im not hungry, im not, im hungry, I need to eat._

 

Mutsuki sighed and crossed his arms, hugging them tight to his body and looked away, of course he was getting tired of this, he expected it. “Maybe we could… I don't know, would you eat a ghoul?”

 

The very idea was laughable “would I eat a ghoul?” He scoffed “Id become a kakuja, a real monster. Do you want that?”

 

“Look were running out of ideas here!”

 

_You have no hope, you’ll either die a laughing stock or a monster, theres no way out. Your father must be ashamed. you're fucking pathetic. fucking pathetic. You’ll never surpass Sasaki, never be on the level of Arima, never taste a position higher than first class._

 

Urie gritted his teeth, He felt his muscles twitch, his stomach contracted again and he braced himself against the sink before him. He was dizzy again, the tiles were melting, moving, he couldn't tell if they were blue or white or black, color wasn't something he could register at the moment. 

 

Or sound, Mutsukis mouth was moving, he couldn't hear it, it was like white noise, a vibration in the air that he could sense but not make sense of. He stumbled, Uries legs giving way beneath him and the world came rushing up to greet him. Mutsuki was by his side in seconds.

 

There were hands on his body, on his chest, his neck, checking his pulse, did he think hed die that easily? preposterous. Uries own hands reached up to grasp at Mutsuki’s body, pulling him down on top of him. He didn't know if he was seeking comfort or just heat but Mutsuki was there to provide him with it. 

 

His arms were shaking, the body on top of his own made no effort to pull away form him, growing used to being a source of physical comfort. He pressed his nose into mutsuki’s neck again, his safe place, always welcoming to him when his body gave up on him, and it was happening more and more. Soon he would spend every waking hour there.

 

There were soft hushes being whispered into his ears, or at least he thinks they were. He wasn't sure. He opened his own mouth to speak, hes sure of it, but words just wouldn't come out, all he could taste was the salt of Mutsuki’s sweat, his soft skin, he felt more comfort in tasting him than smelling him. The boy probably wouldn't mind if he just sucked on his skin for a moment.

 

But a moment turned into a minute, more, he didn't know his teeth had broken skin, he didn't notice when the hands that were petting his hair where clawing at his face, his chest, his arms, anything to get him to let go. There was no sound. he could hear but there was still nothing, the occasional wet slap of Mutsuki’s hands trying to grip, pull, push, anything. Why was he trying to get away.

 

They were sharing an intimate moment. _why does he want to get away in an intimate moment? doesn't he want this? doesn't he love me? i love him, too much. hes so sweet. so damn sweet._ Soon the hands flattered, they stilled on his chest, he took it as a sign, his beloved was being accepting again. He let himself be held and embraced… and loved.

 

—

 

A shrill scream rang through the Quinx Squad home, Saiko was the first to walk into the bathroom, but she was far from prepared for what she had witnessed. 

 

Urie lay there, Mutsuki in his arms, such a wonderful and living embrace they shared. But the unfortunate young men were covered in blood. Mutsuki was completely limp, his head hanging on by a thin thread of muscle, he was missing most of the flesh on his right arm, his chest had been opened, Urie’s hand was still inside. 

 

What was most disturbing was how peaceful Urie looked, half asleep, a serene smile on his blood smeared lips. It was as if he had done no wrong.

 

Shirazu and Sasaki were quick to follow. The ginger haired boy being completely frozen in place at the scene, but the other moving swiftly, knocking Urie into the wall with his Kagune pierced deep into his chest. He wanted to ram them into him over and over, crush him into small pieces, but all the parental man could do was wail over the corpse of their young squad member.

 

—-

 

Urie Kuki was apprehended that morning, an S rated Ghoul.

 

—-

 

“Sasaki, we understand its going to be hard on the others but we have no choice but to scrap the Quinx project now, its too expensive to keep going. The remaining two will be placed into other Squads most fitting to their outstanding felids.”

 

Sasaki just nodded, there was nothing he could do now. Mutsuki was dead, Urie, insane and locked away in Cochlea, Saiko and Shirazu both suffering form shock and seeing the best therapists the CCG can afford. But it all fell apart.

 

It was all as if Mutsuki was the heart of the squad, hell, he was the heart of the squad. He was the forward thinking, gentle, strong leader Sasaki always wanted to put in a leadership role, he was just waiting for the right time to give him one. And now he never will.

 

“I have been told you have had arrangements made for Mutsuki Tooru’s funeral?”

 

“Yes Sir”

 

“You will be dismissed for bereavement until a week after, that goes for the other two. Following your return we must talk about Urie Kuki”

 

“Yes Sir”

 

Sasaki felt hollow.

 

—-

 

Mutsuki had a beautiful funeral late in Autumn.

 

Sasaki read into how it should be planned, receiving bits of input from both Saiko and Shirazu. He wanted to use a painting of Mutsuki they all liked, their graduation portrait was much too formal, a simple photograph felt it was just not enough.

 

Sasaki shifted through what was once ‘evidence’, Urie’s stock of paintings. He was hesitant, the others were still not over what had been done. but what he had found was breathtaking. He had cried a lot, it was hurtful to admit to himself that Urie had a heart once. 

 

But the painting of Mutsuki, smiling brighter than the sun and stars itself seemed to be the only thing worthy of being put on display. He didn't have the heart to tell the grieving Quinx that it was by Urie.

 

Mutsuki’s coffin was lined with Gardenias, Stock, and Columbines. He felt they suited him the most, they stood out against one another, but with Mutsuki laying amongst them the image was completed.

 

—-

 

The Quinx squad was to visit Urie before his interrogation. Saiko refused straight away, she never wanted to see Urie again. Sasaki felt, if there were an again, she might one day come around to forgive her lost ‘brother’.

 

Urie wasn't given any special arrangements in his cell, just a bedframe and mattress, nothing dangerous that he could harm himself with, everything was either bolted to the ground or too high for the boy to reach.

 

He sat eerily still in his chair, hands bound to the arm rests and his ankles to the legs. He seemed unfazed. His eyes completely out of focus and staring off into the void. Urie was no longer in the real world.

 

“Urie” Sasaki spoke loud and clear over the speakers

 

“Sasaki, i was wondering when everyone would show up”

 

“Do you know where you are?” basic protocol, ask the right questions, get him ready for the interrogation.

 

“Why are you playing games, were home”

 

“No, were in Cochlea”

 

Urie had a moment of pause before a hesitant “right” was gritted past his teeth.

 

“Do you know why you're here?”

 

“I live here”

 

“again you are in Cochlea, Do you know why you are here”

 

“Sasaki you're being weird. I don’t have time for this”

 

—-

 

Urie's Execution date was set for December 14th that year.

 

—-

 

“Sasaki…” Uries voice muttered out, the room being much too silent between the two. Shirazu quickly stopped coming in with him after his sentencing, claiming it was ‘too messed up for him to be around’. He didn't blame him. it was all so so fucked up.

 

“Sasaki!”

 

“yes?”

 

“you took your damn time”

 

“im sorry, what did you need”

 

“i wanted to ask… if its not too much trouble. Could you…” The boy worried his lip between his teeth, he was searching for the right things to say. 

 

“could you ask Mutsuki if he would come with you next time?”

 

It was like a gunshot through his heart and a barely contained sob rippled through Sasaki’s throat.

 

“Y-Yeah, I will ask him. He's still a little tired… after the last mission”

 

“He’s been tired for a while”

 

“just give him time”

 

Sasaki had needed to call their session to a close early it was getting late and there were preparations to be made. It was December 13th, almost midnight. his heart sat heavy in his chest as he saw what he was sure would be the last of Urie Kuki.

 

“Sasaki, before you go”

 

“Yes” He was prepared for anything.

 

“Tell him I love him… please”

 

He wasn't prepared for that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I am so so so sorry.  
> why did I make this.  
> Tell me I'm an awful person. just abuse me I deserve it.
> 
> My tumblr is Noheichou


End file.
